On the edge of town
In a small wooden shack
Or maybe the shack was made of metal
I can't be sure about that
But there lived a man
Who made other men cower in fear
And he was known as Bruce
And Bruce had a big, big beard
And you don't want to mess with
Big bearded Bruce (Big bearded Bruce)
Ohh you never wanna mess with Big bearded Bruce
Ohh noo
His eyes peared out from beneath that beard
Like two shiny stones
And when he walked the beard swayed back and forth
Like it had a mind of it's own
And they say he's killed a dozen men
Throughout his many long years
Oh but where does he hide the bodies
Well they're all buried deep within his beard
Ohh
That's why you never wanna mess with
Big bearded Bruce (Big bearded Bruce)
Noo you never wanna mess with Big bearded Bruce (Big bearded Bruce)
Stay well away from Big bearded Bruce (Big bearded Bruce)
You would be wise never to cross paths with Big bearded Bruce (Big bearded Bruce)
Ohh noo
They say that if he gazes at you
With his icy cold stare
That he can will your very glands
To produce more facial hair
And if he sees a beard that he likes
He'll scalp it from your face
And hang it with all the others
Above his bearded fireplace
Ohh
That's why you never, never, never, never wanna mess with
Big bearded Bruce (Big bearded Bruce)
Ohh you never wanna mess with Big bearded Bruce (Big bearded Bruce)
Stay well away from Big bearded Bruce (Big bearded Bruce)
For the love of god please dissociate yourself at all time (Big bearded Bruce)
From Big bearded Bruce
Ohh noo
There was however friends one time
When I had the ill fortune of crossing paths with Big bearded Bruce
It was late and I was strolling home along a deserted road
When up ahead I could see a bearded figure moving in the moonlight
I turned to walk the other way but all too late
A hand reached out grabbed my shoulder and swung me around
And I stared up into the bearded face of Big bearded Bruce
Big bearded Bruce reached out his hand
Touched my face
My face was bare divoid of all beard
As I contenplated the errors of having lived a beardless life up until this point
Big bearded Bruce lifted me off the ground and I stared at him
Face to beard
In a panic I did the only thing I could think of
I reached out my hand, grabbed a chunk of his beard and tore it away by the roots
Screaming Big bearded Bruce threw me into the ground
And I ran off into the night
Cowering in fear
And as I ran I could hear him screaming
"My beard! My precious, precious beard!"
"Arghhhhh Arghhhhh!"
(Big bearded Bruce)
(Big bearded Bruce)
(Big bearded Bruce)