Have you ever reached the end of you
Because I once reached the end of me too
Middle of May 2014
In my room
With a pack of codeine
As the folds in the wallpaper that gently leaked
I sat there
Knowing I didn't want to be here
And as if the demons heard: they came into reason
I began to feel fearless of the devil's dealings
He handed me death and clothed it in his meaning
The walls shudder
As my body bodied, the codeine
I overdosed, body began heaving
I saw the light. I began desperately weeping
But I had one question
What does it mean in this life to have meaning
Have you ever reached the end of you
Because I once reached the end of me too
I was sitting in the hospital, immune system weak
Nurse looked at me funny, knew I was a teen
"Anything you want to tell me?" - She asked with ease
Where do I find me? I wanted to scream
Do we lose ourselves the longer we breathe
How can I tell you what's wrong
When I - don't even - know me
Losing yourself is the greatest loss
It like grieving but having to watch the body rot
Its a death that has happened to many of us
Walking graveyards, still maintaining a job
All the while buried in mental health issues
And lack of trust
Couldn't afford a counsellor, so I found healing in lust
Men's attention was crack, and the mourning was numbed
I buried my body alive in the crux
Of - anything and everything - but it wasn't enough
Something had to change before I became completely undone
I felt stress cling - on like a leper
And run riot on my lungs
I couldn't taken it anymore
I'd simply had enough
But how can I rise up from out - of the dust
Have you ever reached the end of you
Because I once reached the end of me too
Couldn't think of anything else
So I got on my knees
I felt eternally damned and bankrupt of peace
My heart was both tombstone and shrine for my grief
I had unravelled myself in the room of my teens
Completely defeated
I said God, if you're real, then you're gonna have to show me
I can't explain it - but something changed
A comfort turned my tears into tides of tranquil peace
As the room felt freer and lifted of grief
It's as if angels flooded the room, and God was beside me
Holding my hand, I was uncontrollably crying
His presence was tangible as the room echoed with brightness
My shame left, and my smile climbed in
Have you ever reached the end of you
Because I once reached the end of me too
But it wasn't the end
It was a chance to discover what I was missing
Truth is, I found myself because I found Him
And each time the darkness seeps into my rooms curtain seams
I recall how I lost myself, but I remember how He found me