I wish I was in a band
Being a solo singer makes me blue
So if you want to join my band
Here's what I can offer you
We'd be called Throat Culture
And we'd start off small
We'd play in Scranton, Pennsylvania
At the Shriners Hall
We'd get discovered
In a smokey bar
By some British guy named, Nygel
Says he'll make us all a star
And we'd say
Fuck that, man, we're not about the fame
We don't need to suck like Creed, or someone just as lame
All across the land
Cause we're a rock and roll band
So Nygel talks us in move to LA
In the studio be slavin' every night and every day
Until the label says we should replace
Our funny looking bassist with a marketable face
And we say
Fuck that, man, oh man don't even try
Bobs been with us since we started
We don't mind his lazy eye or his disfigured hand
'Cause we're a rock and roll band
So Bob's replacement guy is called the Blade
He's always wearing leather and he's always getting laid
We share our vicodin, he shares cocaine
By the time the tour started no one's feeling any pain
The label named the tour The Tour of Doom
But they kick all the teenagers out of the dressing room
These girls are old enough to throw bras on stage
But we're not supposed to love them because they're underage
And we say
Fuck that, man, we're all about our people
I don't need to see her ID when I can clearly see her nipple
Plus she's nicely tan
And we're a rock and roll band
I develop a heroin addiction
You develop an aversion to the sun
We both contract a syphilis affliction
Now tell me if that doesn't sound like fun?
I'm always so coked up
I'm missing shows
I get so wasted at the Grammys
I punch J-Lo in the nose
When we play Omaha
We start a riot
But you get pissed when I throw Nygel
Through the window at the Hyatt
And you come to my place
To intervene
You find me hanging by the pool house
Shooting smack with Ben Berene
You say I've gone downhill
Since rags to riches
It used to be about the homies
Now its all about the bitches
And I say
Fuck you man, you motherfucking sellout
You were nothing when I found you at the Sidewalk, so get the hell out
Don't you know who I am?
Get the fuck out of my rock and roll band
So if you want to join my band
Do all the things that I have planned
Leave your number cause you can clearly see
That you oughta be in a rock and roll band
With me