When I was 18
I said what
What wasn't for me
Because of
Because of your habits
I'm cautious
Now I'm more anxious
Sleepless
At 23 there's more that I can see
I have guilty blood on guilty hands
And darkened eyes, my restless mind
I don't always have the courage to say I love you
I get scared I'll fuck it up
If it's not you or me, then it must be me
And I was wrong when I was 18
It's different now at 23
A xanax and a shower, I'll feel better in an hour
I am a resource: a limited thing.
Sometimes, just a paycheck, a song at a Christmas party
But sometimes I'm more
I move with freedom and purpose
I mask my tired eyes
I talk to every stranger I meet
I see the light in every place
For a while I run away, for a while I run away
Again like a child
I love everyone I know, and everything is new
I love everyone I miss
I only miss what I remember
I remember what I want to
Because when I get back it's all waiting for me and the freedom and purpose are as far away as they ever were
It's always the truth this time