Ahhh it's gonna be a great night tonight Anything can happen. (happen, happen) The minute I opened my eyes I was feeling on top of the world It seems ridiculous now looking back Considering how my day unfurled It was Friday, it was payday, It was gonna be off the scale But I never even made it out and I'll tell you the tale I checked my phone and I clambered out And I tossed back the linen And then I went downstairs and I made some toast And I watched some Loose Women Peter Andre and Michael Ball were on But I don't know what they were discussing I checked my phone and the lads were lively The group chat was buzzing Big night tonight, We were gonna meet up and sink a few jars, Living large Casino for a few hours then we'll hit up some bars You know we've known each other years These fellas all went to school with me It was gonna be a night of shenanigans And some classic tomfoolery But first I knew I had to take a trip into town To get some cash and threads And a double Greggs I've got this nailed down I was parched and I couldn't be arsed to go and wait for the train And so I jumped into my car And I took it to park at Woodhouse Lane I headed straight to Greggs For a corned beef slice and something fizzy Had my feed and a look round Leeds it wasn't exceedingly busy I wanted a shirt some shoes and a belt so I headed over to Trinity Flashed the plastic it felt fantastic it massaged my masculinity My testosterone was pumping I must admit I was feeling flash I checked my balance and withdrew two hundred pound cash Now I'd got everything I need from town no reason to stay Not even god himself could bring me down today was my day I started walking back to the car when a bloke caught my eye He was tall and bald and he looked like an intimidating guy He reminded me of the referee Pierluigi Collina But with a black eye and a limp so this guy looked even meaner I was like a defender being sent off, I remember the resemblance was striking His scent offended my senses as he got a bit close for my liking His eyes were psychotic and he was staring right at me So I got a march on, time to hop it, Cos he looked like he wanted to stab me Believe me I was feeling uneasy and queasy His demeanor was sleazy I mean he gave me the heebie-jeebies And really clearly he didn't fear me And nearly stopped me in my tracks I had a terrible feeling and I said to myself That I wouldn't look back I couldn't resist the urge and I checked over my shoulder And then I saw what I didn't wanna see This fella was following me I was petrified cos I didn't know why But I can't deny that a creepy guy with a glint in his eye Sent a shiver down my spine And I felt that the Earth was swallowing me My head was harassed, I just wanted to get on it My ass emitted a blast that had more gas than Halley's comet I took one more glance and corroborated any suspicions He'd sped up too I immediately knew that I didn't have any decisions I clocked that he was on his phone, Was I dreaming? It was starting to bug me Suddenly I'd never felt so alone, I had a feeling he was smarting to mug me I started pegging it and picking up the pace He was legging it and it became a race I was sweating but it wasn't gonna be far I just needed to get my arse back to the car I was racking my brain, I was thinking had I seen him before? Situation seemed so insane, what the hell was he chasing me for? He seemed to be slowing and I was getting away with ease, I reached into my pocket and started fumbling for my keys My car was in sight, I was sure that I'd given him the slip It was gonna be a great tale tonight When I'd be steaming like the funnel on a ship. Then out of the blue, someone jumped out by the side of me And time Slowed Down He ran at me and pushed me and my ass hit the deck, Flippin' eck! Before I could even blink he had his hands round my neck! He was smaller but stronger and he'd caught me by surprise, No lies He fought with no honour and he had blood in his eyes Then baldy steamed in, and he booted me straight in the side He proceeded to bray me and maybe he'd slay me He made me afraid for my life! I struggled underneath and I got him back with one on the nose "Just take my bag!" I pleaded with him as he rained down the blows I felt like I'd been hit by Mike Tyson I was sucking up the dust like a Dyson Bricking it slipping out of consciousness I could see the white light on the horizon I was looking straight up at him as his foot hit my jaw As I saw my life flash before me I remembered where I'd seen him before The same angry stare, but the roles were reversed He was only decking me now because I'd done him in first That night no question, we were off our nuts we were steaming But to think we'd get away with it well I must've been dreaming Last Friday it had all kicked off when we were getting our scran When there were four of us and one of him And we chinned him and ran Now I'd a flashback and as it happened I'd been burying the memory Of giving him a rocket and seeing his eye socket As it snapped like a celery But now my time was through, It was cruel and beautiful witnessing karma My head was the ball on the tee And he was lining up a swing like Arnold Palmer It was then that I knew that I wouldn't get a chance to make my amends And so I closed my eyes with a wry smile as he took his revenge