Yeah, I like to think I'm well-equipped as any other average guy
But I just can't discover love, and I don't even set my standards high
On top of that, I'm camera shy
Maybe I should opt out of the dating pool
And be an undercover Tinder samurai
'Cause I would rather type online than whisper in a dingy bar
And swiping left and right could be my new bushido ninja star
I'm well-versed in virtual love-making ninjutsu
On every profile pic I post, I'm posing with my shitzu
Or flexing with my shirt off, 'cause I heard that gets you hits too
'Specially OkCupid, I'm like Eros or the cherubs be
I pierce hearts of women with my cursor and my arrow keys
And disregard my Roman roots and choose a font that's serif-free
Trust me, I'm a Tinder bio brainiac
The way I kindle fire with matches, I'm a pyromaniac
On ChristianMingle, I'm a Casanova
If y'all don't think so, y'all can ask Jehovah
Check your inbox, he might send an answer over
I wish I had the muscles of a granite sculpture
I would log on AshleyMadison and bang adulterers
I'm so lonely, I've considered Farmers Only
Just for someone's arms to hold me
Also, I'm really big on agriculture
But if I had that body of a Grecian god
I would trawl on POF.com and use it as a fishing rod
And hope I don't get catfished
The fact is if I did, I'd probably play along
'Cause God knows I could use the practice
And if I'm aching for my roots I'd visit Shaadi.com
Message Islamic Wahhabi hijabi hotties, "salaam"
And Sunni, Shia, those are both denominations I respect
'Cause I just care for our connection, I don't care about the sect
Sometimes I uninstall my apps in reckless, insurrectious rage
Then regret it while I check the Craigslist misconnections page
Then I think that I should get out more
And disregard my mobile cell
Get to know the local teller at my Barnes & Noble, well
And check out what she's reading
While she's charging up my total sale
And ask her if she likes the novel
And once she answers, ask her if she wants to grab some coffee
Or some ice cream waffles
She'd probably say, "that's awesome"
I'd ask her when she's off of work
She might answer, "midnight"
I'd tell her, "that sounds awful, what a bummer"
And from somewhere, I might muster up the nerve to get her number
And I would ask her what her digits are
And if I play it right, then I can disregard my ninja stars
Say sayonara to katanas, and my other weapons too
And try committing by committing online dating seppuku