When you took your life I didn't let myself grieve
But merely wore confused and hopeless guilt upon my sleeve
It's hard to justify the way you'd manipulate me
And even harder when comparably I had it easy
I wish that I could lock you deep in my past
I hate the fact I miss you, but you was all that I had
It's crazy how at a point you were my best friend, shit
I had to cut you off years ago cause I was done pretending
That you were gon get better when you only kept descending
Allegations, addictions, suicide attempts
Something clicked that night you called me desperately
With a fucking gun in your mouth, cocked and ready
Said you were boutta shoot, a year later, you went through
I know that you can't hear me but fuck, I feel like failed you
I remember I couldn't make friends cause everybody thought I was obnoxious
I thought my family hated me, my self esteem was non existent
But you persisted and convinced me that I was your brother
Then once you did, you started taking advantage
You were so deep in the closet that it became a stance
That became detrimental to my health
I realized i was bi, thought I might have been trans
And so you became abusive because you hated your self
It's hard to figure out how to grieve through a lens of my own PTSD
Constantly remembering when you'd beaten or strangled me
And when I try to ignore it, it comes out in my dreams
Flashing back to phone calls where you'd threaten to end it
I tried to grieve in silence, didn't wanna express it
Afraid I'd be salt to the wound of any of your victims
Merely knowing you i'm branded as an apologist
By people who honestly needed a new reason to hate me
They ain't know i cut you off cut cause i was afraid that you'd
I was first to tell your friends to stay away
Knowing you were problematic, self destructive and enraged
But I tried to help from a distance when I saw that you changed
I know you changed, but that wont heal the ones you hurt
But I don't understand how I've been told my presence made things worse
Considering how many of y'all I've learned have pasts equally murky
And I ain't perfect but what's really my concern is that
Back then I was treated like i'm worthless
So I let myself be a punching bag, as if I deserved it
Funny how now my music's out, y'all respect as if now I've earned it
But to be real, y'all should respected me in the first place
So quit asking me where's my next full length project
I got a vision but my eyes keep popping out their sockets
Without a strategy, I cannot lead a conquest
I'm not gon make a scene when I cannot complete a sonnet
And to be honest, I partially blame y'all for making me believe I was unwanted
And deluding me, leading me to feel guilt over the death of someone who was abusing me