As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, I've got a little list – I've got a little list Of society offenders who might well be underground, And who never would be missed – who never would be missed! There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs – All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs – All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that – And all third persons who on spoiling tête-à-têtes insist – They'd none of 'em be missed – they'd none of 'em be missed! He's got 'em on the list – he's got 'em on the list; And they'll none of 'em be missed – they'll none of 'em be missed. There's the banjo serenader, and the others of his race, And the piano-organist – I've got him on the list! And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face, They never would be missed – they never would be missed! Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone, All centuries but this, and every country but his own; And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy, And who 'doesn't think she dances, but would rather like to try'; And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist – I don't think she'd be missed – I'm sure she'd not be missed! He's got her on they list – he's got her on the list; And I don't think she'll be missed – I'm sure she'll not be missed! And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife, The judicial humorist – I've got him on the list! All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life – They'd none of 'em be missed – they'd none of 'em be missed. And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind, Such as – What d'ye call him – Thing'em-bob, and likewise – Never-mind, And 'St – 'st – 'st – and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who – The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you. But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list, For they'd none of 'em be missed – they'd none of 'em be missed! You may put 'em on the list – you may put 'em on the list; And they'll none of 'em be missed – they'll none of 'em be missed!