It's so beautiful outside With your tiny hands wrapped peacefully in mine We're gonna lay on the bed You're gonna look into my eyes And you will see me look ahead And I'll say: No no no, I'm not ready to face-time If I'm being honest your body makes me hate mine The outside is hot to the dismay of the inside I don't like how it looks but I guess that it tastes fine I'm curled up like a child on the ground Under the bed and I hope to not be found By your "how"s You will not get away with this one It wants what it wants I can't help it, I'm not in control So just let it go Place your hands on the side of my face They're not yet warm enough to be tied up in shame Fill your ears with my final decree Soon enough you'll finally see It's not so bad If you just close your eyes and hold your breath Embrace yourself for me To plunge your self between This mound of human meat Oh, watch me swerve and watch me spin I'll keep you nice and neat All wrapped inside of me and make you go: Ow ow ow ow ow, Ow ow ow ow ow, oh Though I try to be kind There is something deep inside Telling me it's not what it seems Rotten for a memory but ripe for today My heart is torn at it's seam And at me it screams: What if I was wrong? What if this is a mistake? What have I gotten myself into? I've lost my way and will never come back again And if this is a mistake then show me a sign Dear god, show me a sign Give me light Give me strength Give me reason Give me the strength to say no and mean it But all those are thoughts, The meanings to which I've forgotten And when I woke from my heavenly sleep It appeared this was all just a dream Of a lover you were, Trapped inside of the records that I helped to burn Spare the sorrow of beggars you meet on your journey To heaven with roses and bones With your grandmothers makeup and dress In my own living room I will dance to the music we played Trapped inside of the records that I helped you break And the sounds you let out when I looked at your face Julia, how you left me alone Has my absence been cause of relief? Did my tongue paint your wisdom to flee? Julia, how I loved to hold you so near in a struggle to breathe And cast all my frustrations beneath all the sheets In the bedroom where we used to sleep Did you keep all the memories we made? Or surrender your soul to the pain I designed just for you With the pity of god and his heavenly grace Locked inside of your cigarette, quietly laced Julia, I'm still here if you please I wasn't strong My emotions were physical My hand on your neck was purely subliminal I wasn't brave Let my anger swallow me Sucked you into it, now your memory will follow me