She's ovulating – if she was a stripper
I wouldn't know why but I'd probably wanna tip her
She's ovulating – she's dressed so provocative
My histocompatibility complex is majorly
Intoxicating – girl, I'm so symmetrical
But you can't tell if you're on a contraceptive pill
Instead of ovulating – I'm not tryin' to conceive with you
But right now something makes me wanna be with you
You want a job done fast, you want a job done cheap
You want a job done well, you gotta pick two out of three
'Cause the price goes up when demand swells
So if your contractor has skills, he pads his bills
And if you don't like it, build the porch your damn self
Fast and cheap and headed for the landfill
And it might sound ruthless, but what's true for
Someone trying' to get their roof fixed, is true for sex
And not just human sex, the cost of mating
Is a price that evolution sets
'Cause high-value mates are always in demand
But there's a bit of an imbalance between a woman and man
How come? Because of the outcome
Alright, let's make a deal – I'll give you an ounce of spunk
And one night of childish fun, and you give me
Nine months of your life, and when the child comes
It takes a few decades to show the kid how it's done
Oh, what, you want help? Um...
Yeah, I have a few ounces of spunk left to spread around, hon
You know, ninety-nine problems, but this ain't one
What? The deal's off? Why? Just 'cause you've got
Fifty other guys tryin' to undercut the price?
Just because you're contributing hundreds of times
More resources to this otherwise equally shared enterprise?
Okay, fine, what's your counter-offer then?
You want me to promise never to sleep with another woman again
As long as I live? And if I did? Oh, what, you'd probably forgive
As long as I didn't fall in love with her
And have a bunch of other kids – oh, what, there's more?
You also want me to invest every possible resource
In you and the kids, and pay for education and team sports
And shit? What do I look like, a fuckin' seahorse?
Oh, what, you'll do the same, huh? Well, you kind of have to
It's your limitations that I'm trying to adapt to
You're not the one with the potential to inseminate
The entire planet if only you had the chance to, yeah, thank you
Yeah, me and every other guy, right, yeah, I get it
Our resources are worthless, because they're practically unlimited
Which puts us in a shit negotiating position
Like slave labour in the insemination business
She's ovulating – if she was a stripper
I wouldn't know why but I'd probably wanna tip her
She's ovulating – she's dressed so provocative
My histocompatibility complex is majorly
Intoxicating – girl, I'm so symmetrical
But you can't tell if you're on a contraceptive pill
Instead of ovulating – I'm not tryin' to conceive with you
But right now something makes me wanna be with you
Alright, I have one final card to play before we make deal
You know, every ounce of spunk is not created equal
Some of it will give you smarter kids, some of it will give you
Hardier kids whose immune systems give them longer to live
And you have this fertility cycle that gives you subtle clues
About who to choose, so this is all just a ruse
To convert my mating effort into parental solicitude
Oh, what am I gonna do about it? Well, there's nothing I can do
But it's true! 'Cause you don't make it simple like a chimp, no!
You could have evolved a pink swollen genital symbol
Advertising your fertility window, but no!
And I know why too! It's to keep a guy limbo
You're so deceitful, I don't believe it!
It's like you have a biological non-disclosure agreement
To maintain your competitive edge and get repetitive sex
From the same guy long enough to see your genetic relatives fledged
'Cause if I knew exactly when you were ovulating
Well then good luck negotiating any long-term arrangements
But you don't even know, that's the impressive bit
Yeah, but can you pin it down without arithmetic?
She's ovulating – if she was a stripper
I wouldn't know why but I'd probably wanna tip her
She's ovulating – she's dressed so provocative
My histocompatibility complex is majorly
Intoxicating – girl, I'm so symmetrical
But you can't tell if you're on a contraceptive pill
Instead of ovulating – I'm not tryin' to conceive with you
But right now something makes me wanna be with you
Okay, so you don't exactly know when it is
But we can measure it and how it affects your preferences
See, I've been reading up on you scheming sluts
And there's a method to your madness, and yeah, it's devious
What changes is your preference for specific traits
And the relative weight you assign them in potential mates
When you hit peak fertility, suddenly you're into symmetry
And guys with no resources but high creativity
When just a week before you were all about liquidity
And suddenly now it's what? Facial masculinity
And fantasizing about infidelity? – Pathetic!
These are obviously adaptations to maximize the genetic
Quality of your offspring at the expense of wannabe
Fathers, who provide the benefits of monogamy
Well I'm onto your little scheme, and I'm gonna put a stop to it
How? My plan is in effect right now
It's called the "oral contraceptive pill"
And no, it's not a trick – the benefits are real
Basically it takes everything that makes you adaptively moist
And replaces it all with rational choice
When you're on it, you can't smell histocompatibility
So your kids' immune systems might end up a little weak
But think about the benefits, please!
All the non-masculine, asymmetrical men can breed!
And now your infidelity can be about trading-up
Instead of trying to get pregnant by a stud
We can all relate to trading-up, fine, fair enough
It's just paternity uncertainty that tears us up
'Cause we understand the facts on the ground
It's kind of like hiring a contractor for your house
You can't get it done well and fast, and cheap
You almost always have to choose two out of three
And ladies, it seems like the man of your dreams
Has good resources, good behaviour, and good genes
But unless you're name happens to be Angelina Jolie
You might just have to choose two out of three
Just be careful who you choose when you're pill poppin'
I understand that reproductive choice feels awesome
But if you don't ovulate then you can't smell a match
And mismatched relationships just don't tend to last
She's ovulating – if she was a stripper
I wouldn't know why but I'd probably wanna tip her
She's ovulating – she's dressed so provocative
My histocompatibility complex is majorly
Intoxicating – girl, I'm so symmetrical
But you can't tell if you're on a contraceptive pill
Instead of ovulating – I'm not tryin' to conceive with you
But right now something makes me wanna be with you