It's Christmastime
There's magic in the air
Everybody's celebrating
There's joy and laughter everywhere
But I don't feel it yet
That feeling that you get
Because lately my life's been a heaping steaming pile of shit
And I'm sorry this isn't the Christmas song
You thought you were gonna get
In January, I found out my wife was leaving me
For a man name Cringle she met on Christian Mingle
The irony wasn't lost on me
I bought her some flowers to win her back
Did you know that lilies can kill a cat?
Rest in Peace my darling Mr. Fluffy
You're the only one who ever really loved me
But this song's about Christmas
It's what you came to see
So maybe if I wish real hard a Christmas miracle will happen to me
In March, I got evicted
The same day I got robbed
Even though I left a sign in my car
That said, "There's Nothing Here To Rob"
They busted out my windows
Left a note, so I know they could read
It said "Sorry man, you were right
We thought at least you'd have some weed"
And now the upholstery smells like dehydrated pee
But this song's about Christmas
It's what you came to see
So maybe if I wish real hard a Christmas miracle will happen to me
I turned the oven on and fell asleep
Then fell out of a window and landed ass-up in a tree
I accidentally joined a cult
I just thought they were being nice
I used my niece's brush
Before I knew that she had lice
In June, I dropped my laptop down an elevator shaft
I punched a towel dispenser
And I wound up in a cast
June wasn't any better
Thanks to 23andMe
Because I found out Jeffrey Dahmer
Was part of my family
I guess I can't blame my mother for keeping that from me
And after stubbing my pinkie toe for the 40 billionth time
It finally fell the fuck off
Fuck you, pinkie toe
And fuck you, table leg
But this song's about Christmas
It's what you came to see
So maybe if I wish real hard
A Christmas miracle will happen to me
This song's about Christmas
It's what you came to see
So maybe if I wish real hard
Maybe if I wish real hard
Maybe if I wish real hard
A Christmas miracle will happen to me