There was this guy, a chef, Stu Brown
Worked at the Midland Hotel in town
He's worked there so long, no one knew exactly when he'd started
Didn't look a day over 40
Chef Stu Brown was from Salford but he wished he wasn't
He was obsessed with France and everything French
Other chefs at the midlands took the piss
They'd say bonjour to him every evening, just so he'd correct them
'You say bonsoir in the evening'
He was famous for his French onion soup
And for his ill-fitting chef whites
He was so thin he was barely there
And that French onion soup stayed on the specials board no matter what
Other chefs tried rubbing it off
But it'd be back the next morning without fail
Just like chef Stu
Never missed a day of work in his life
No one ever saw him arrive, or leave for that matter
The cleaners would say they'd see him after hours
Floating around, peeling onions
He managed to be so present, but he was barely there
So present, he was barely there
My mate took his mother-in-law to the midland for her 70th Birthday
Her names Ann Snow, she's a widow
She lost her husband Burt 30 years ago
And recently the loneliness had really got to her
She was so distant, she was barely there
So when my mates' family heard about Chef Stu
They booked in first chance they had
You see French onion soup used to be Burt's speciality
They thought it might bring her back a bit
And so on the day, Ann couldn't care less it was her birthday
They sat down, ordered for her, French onion soup
And just before it arrived Ann's face lit up
'I feel like he's here with us tonight'
'Yeah' my mate replied, 'he's always with us, you know that'
And so the soup arrives and she just stares at it
'Well go on... try it'
She carefully took a spookful from the bowl and blew
And as she sipped at the broth she felt the restaurant disappear
And in it's place a long wooden table
And in front of her a bowl
The good porcelain she hadn't seen in years
And there was moonlight peeking in through the blinds
Suppertime, and there was Burt by the stove
Apron on, saying 'do you want any more love?'
And he was so clear, he was really there
Burt turned on the radio and 'the blue danube' came floating through
'Oh god' she said 'not again'
Burt Snow took his wife's hand and asked her to dance
And she tried to resist but she never could
And they waltzed, badly, laughing on the lino floor
To the sound of BBC Four
And they waltzed, badly, laughing on the lino floor
To the sound of BBC Four
And they waltzed, badly, laughing on the lino floor
To the sound of BBC Four
And they waltzed, badly, laughing on the lino floor
To the sound she hated before
After a while, the whole restaurant had stopped eating
To watch an elderly woman dancing alone with her eyes closed
Humming and giggling to herself
My mate didn't have the heart to stop her for dessert
Chef Stu Brown disappeared that night
Just vanished without a trace, never to return
And when the chefs checked the specials board the next morning
It was wiped clean