So this next song is about love, appropriately
♪
I love you like kings love queens
Like a gay geneticist loves designer jeans
I need you like New Orleans needs a drought
Like Hitler's father needed to learn to pull out
And I want you, yeah, like a lawyer slash mathematician wants some kind of proof
And I want you, yeah, like JFK wanted a car with a roof
Because love is taking that dive
Then getting really comfortable and peeing in the pool
And love is real life porn minus all the stuff that makes porn cool
And love is a homeless guy searching for treasure in the middle of the rain
Finding a bag of gold coins and slowly finding out they're all filled with chocolate
And even though he's heartbroken, he can't complain because he was hungry in the first place
Because I love you like Dora loves maps
Like the Pope's toilet loves holy craps
That's a little one
I need you like a voyeur needs a branch
Like boys tossing salad needs a little bit of Neverland Ranch
And I want you, yeah, like all the gothic kids that look exactly the same never want to conform
And I want you like Anne Frank wanted nobody to read her fucking diary
Because a diary is a collection of secret things no one's supposed to read
That's the whole point of a diary
Millions of people to breach this little girl's privacy after she was chased by Nazis
Kick her while she's down
And if we met in 10,000 BC, I was your caveman, you's my cave lady
If we got hot, we'd start rubbing
If we got hungry, we'd go clubbing
There's woolly mammoths, but I will protect us
You're making me devolve to a Homo erectus, motherfucker
And if we met in 1780, I was a white southern aristocratic plantation owner
And you were my dark-skinned servant lady
Slave
Whenever I could get away from the missus, I'd go to your shed and then I'd steal you kisses
But let's be serious, I'd still work you full time as a slave
There's a difference between romantic language and a complete disregard for socio-economic trends
And if we met in 1941, I was a Nazi, you's a gypsy on the run
That's a little redundant
That probably wouldn't have worked out
Because love is your favorite food for every breakfast, lunch, and dinner
And love is the holocaust if you don't die quick and you don't get thinner
And love is being the owner of the company that makes rape whistles
And even though you started the company with good intentions trying to reduce the rate of rape
Now you don't want to reduce it at all
Because if the rate of rape declines, you'll see an equal decline in whistle sales
Without Rapefist, who's gonna buy your whistles?
And love is all about
Whistles
Thank you
♪
That one was a bit vulgar, but you know
Dixon vaginas are sort of like Coke and Pepsi, you know?
I strongly prefer one, but my dad thinks they taste the same
♪
Okay, thanks