Alf was 17
When he saw Penelope
She was the woman of his dreams
She was 26
But nine is just a number
When it all comes down to it
And he watched her from afar
Until one day he plucked the courage
To say "You look like a movie star"
But Penelope brushed it off
And said, "Why don't you come back, Alf, when
You've got a job"
So he worked the paper round
Until he had himself five pounds
Bought a bouquet of roses red
Penelope turned around and said
"Alfred Benson, you're such a gent
But I didn't mean to lead you on
That was never my intent"
"Alfred Benson, you're such a doll
You should find a girl that treats you right
And take her home"
Out of the blue
Alf is 23 and now
Penelope is 32
As he smiled across the bar
She rolled her eyes enticingly
And gestured from afar
She told Alf about her new guy
And said they've booked the wedding
For the seventh of July
Alfred's head was in a state
But he offered her a drink
Since it was time to celebrate
So he ordered the first round
And they drank until the stools were upside down
As she finished off her glass of red
Drunkenly she turned and said
"Alfred Benson, he's just not my type
He never buys me flowers
He doesn't hold me in the night
Alfred Benson, I wish you were mine
We could run away
And leave this dreary life behind"
And now for chapter three
Alfred Benson's in his late '30s
Penny is married with children of her own
Sadly not with Alfred who's all alone
But one day in the summer of 33
Alfred went to Penny's house
And he got down on one knee
Pleading, could you marry me?
Alfred Benson, no, don't you dare
You could've had the world, my love
But you're not going anywhere (not dressed like that)
Alfred Benson, you're just not the one
Of course you know I loved you, but this stops now
We've had our fun
My darling, Alfred Benson, love