Remember the little ditties that we used to sing together when I was a child (oh, yes) Here's a new one (oh) Some little piggies go to market Some little piggies stay at home Some little piggies eat roast beef (roast beef) While other little piggies have none But there's a little piggy that I'm telling you about It's a secret little piggy Don't let anyone find out There's a pig in the house In the house here with us There's a pig in the house But we don't want any fuss With a pig in the house Best we keep it to ourselves It's important you remember in case anybody delves There's no pig (but I thought) In the house (you said) If you think about it thus There's no pig in the house If it's anyone but us There's no pig in the house There's just Gilbert, Joyce, and you But when no one else is looking There's a little piggy too Pig! No pig! Pig! No pig! You think I've gone loopy-loo Pig! No pig! Pig! No pig! I know what you're trying to do Fill my head with nonsense Then say I've gone berserk Lock me in the nut-house Well that's never gonna work! There's no way you are shutting me inside a loony-bin No, not by the hairs! On my chinny chin chin You wanna put me away, don't you? No one wants to put you away Well actually I wouldn't- Gilbert! Doctor Swaby put Mrs. Beavers away when she didn't know her times tables or who the PM was This isn't like Mrs. Beavers, love We're just trying to tell you There's a pig so in case you see it you know you're not going bananas (Oh, she is going bananas!) I could eat a banana There are no bananas! There's a pig! (there's a pig) In the house (in the house) It is under our roof (in the attic?) There's a pig (there's a pig) In the house (in the house) Take a sniff and there's your proof There's a pig (there's a pig) In the house (in the house) That we must not give away So if anyone should visit It's important that you say There's no pig (no pig!) In the house (in the house) 'Case anyone complains There's no pig (no pig!) In the house (in the house) It's a problem with the drains There's no pig in the house There's just Gilbert, Joyce, and you (there's just me and both of you) But when no one else is looking There's a little piggy too There now, isn't that simple? (Yeah) Now, let's suppose that nosey Mrs. Tilbrook was to come round again (oh) What do we say? (Hm) Pig! No pig! Pig! No pig! Can it do me any harm? (No, mother no) Pig! No pig! Pig! No pig! Shouldn't it be on a farm? Can't be that hygienic, there's diseases you can get What's wrong with a budgie or a little furry pet? It won't be stopping long so I've been promised by my spouse So let's just pretend There's no pig in our house There's no pig in our house There's no pig in our house There, I believe we are all of one mind Yeah, bonkers! Now, show her the creature (oh) There's no pig in the house She's escaped from her sty! There's no pig in the house! Well they say that pigs might fly She can't just escape She'll be dirtying my floor And of course with perfect timing Now there's someone at the door Who is it? Oh, it's Veronica Allardyce It's time for her lesson Send her away That might arouse suspicion I'll see to Veronica You see to that pig Good morning Veronica! There's a pig in this house In this house here with us There's a pig in this house But we don't want any fuss With a pig in this house Best we keep it to ourselves It's important you remember in case anybody delves That's lovely mother Our's is a very musical family We sing all the time Your house smells Our house doesn't smell My mother says poor people's houses smell Your mother is a font of wisdom and compassion But, my coat! Best to leave it on Poor people's houses are all so cold Now, play (I can't find her) Play! Found the pig in the house She's in there in the loo Very good, here's a knife Go and do what you must do Da capo Veronica! Next a forte, love And we'll have ham We'll have chops We'll have tripe and so much more And again with perfect timing Someone else is at the door Oh, Gestapo! Gestapo, Minister of Meat! What's he doing here? Pig! No Pig! Pig! No Pig! Is it Doctor Swaby come to take me away? It's not you they'll be taking away! Pig! No Pig! (Oh, shut up!) Pig! No Pig! It's no good mother, we have no choice but to answer it! Mr. Wormold I have an appointment Please, come in! This is my, err, wife and her mother There's no pig in this house If you think about it thus There's no pig in this house If it's anyone but us There's no pig in this house Just me and all of you But when no one else is looking (But there is somebody looking!) But when no one else is looking There's a little piggy too! Oh that's lovely mother dear Now, it's time for your nap Veronica love Where are you going? The toilet Oh! No! Aaah! A pig! Pig! No pig! Pig! No pig! They think I've gone loopy-loo (There's a pig!) Pig! No pig! Pig! No pig! I know what they're trying to do A pig in the house What an absurd notion The very idea That's enough practice for today dear (ow!) And don't think I won't report this incident to your mother As I'm sure she's already told you Only poor people lie Children! Oh! They have such overactive imaginations! I'm sorry about your foot Mr. Wormold I promise I'll be more careful with the other one Oh! No, that won't be necessary! Magic fingers indeed! There's a pig in the house But it isn't going to stay! There's a pig in the house That you have to put away! Pig! No pig! There's a pig in the house There's a pig in the house There's a pig in the house Leaving chaos in it's way! I thought by now you might have learned I think that rotten smells returned Because as far as I'm concerned I've had as much as I can take!