Funeral Directors of America, I am very deeply honored
Standing here, receiving this token of your esteem, "The
Funeral Director of the Year." Now I've been asked by all
The delegates, and members of the board, to tell you of the
Funeral that won me this award. It was handled with taste
And dignity, that much I can say for it. And I'm sure it will
Take the family twenty years to pay for it.
It was a helluva funeral, it was a helluva funeral
The finest funeral ever booked
I had some high school juniors
Who passed around petunias
And lilies everywhere you looked
It was a helluva funeral, I say one helluva funeral
Oh, how I wish that you were there
I had ten drum majorettes doubling on the castanets
It really was a lively affair
It really was a lively affair
It was a helluva funeral, it was a helluva funeral
The national guard showed up for me
And during the oration, they went into formation
And formed the letters R.I.P.
It was a helluva funeral, I say one helluva funeral
I gave it all my loving care
The band was on its toes playing "Mexicali Rose"
It really was a lively affair
It really was a lively affair
A tisket a tasket, tell us about the casket
Well, I'll tell you about the casket, my good friends
It would-a made your poor eyes pop
It was sterling silver all around and a real formica top
Formica top, it had a formica top
Well, I'll tell you about the widow, my good friends
The widow was in navy blue
With a gown designed by Balenciaga, I supplied that too
He sold the widow widow's weeds too
I held the first funereal raffle, though I don't much like to boast
And I gave away a Chevrolet to the person who cried the most
He gave away a brand new Chevrolet - I won it myself!
There were eighteen jugglers by the grave to demonstrate their art
And when they was done, I fired a gun to let the hootenanny start
He fired a gun and the hootenanny begun
I was serving beer and pretzels, 'til the hot pastrami came
And I sold some souvenier hankies with the dear departed's name
He was sellin' hankies with the dear departed's name
As a fitting finale we had the Rockettes from New York's Music Hall;
As you can see, my very good friends
All in all, all in all, all in all
It was a helluva funeral, I say one helluva funeral
No other burial could compare
It was all done up deluxe and I made forty thousand bucks
It really was a lively affair
It really was a swingin' affair