I'm tied down, I'm locked up
I don't make independent decisions
But my wife says that I don't miss it
My old friends, they don't call
In fact this weekend they're riding Ski-Doos
While I'm taking my kids to three zoos
But the third zoo isn't exactly a zoo
It's a family counselor dressed like a raccoon
I'm a family man
Living according to a family plan
I just found somebody's feces on my hand
I grab a towel that's monogrammed
'Cause I'm a family man
I don't have a dream job
I bust my butt every day from nine-to-five
To finance the dreams of my kids and wife
And my wife has a business idea
She wants to sell these teeny, tiny hats
Made especially for little baby cats
Notice that I didn't say kitten
My wife says that a baby cat is something different
I'm a family man
We all don't fit in a Sedan
My last child, that spawn of Satan was unplanned
Please cut my vas deferens
I'm a family man
I'm a family man