How quick I am to take a breath for granted
How quickly one's saving grace can dissipate
I see now that my choices inhibit
Cutting free from the chained weight
Stemmed from the burden of loss
The imparable self-hate
It took your absence for me to see
How selfish of a person I can really be
And you died by the side of life's cold shoulder
A casualty of me growing older
I've made many realizations
But never could make ends meet
Chalk it up to unhealthy coping mechanisms
But I've left the reel on repeat
I've learned when you're alone, a photo album won't suffice
Pictures aren't there for you when you need advice
No scrapbook can console
Only serve to remind how I let it slip past
Now I only dwell on the good times
It's taken almost five years to the day
To compile my thoughts without discarding them
Back to line one in my bedroom, distraught
It's taken so many drives to and from the graveyard
My eyes staring from the seat of my parked car
I'm not naive to the fact
That can't change the past
Apologize to my friends
My parents
Your rain-weathered epitaph
For being down
Inducing stress
Forgetting when to laugh
I've stood at the foot of the silt
Watched the pink carnations wilt
I can consistently replace them
But I could never rectify the guilt
Or make amends with the time I wasted
I've just grown jaded
I've learned when you're alone
A photo album won't suffice
Pictures aren't there for you when you need advice
No scrapbook can console
Only serve to remind how I let it slip past
Now I only dwell on the good times
I've realized that I didn't deserve you
And I shouldn't have the chance to reminiscence
Because in hindsight
When you were alive
All I ever did was dismiss
But the biggest realization of all
Is all my problems are my own fault
I might never come to terms with this
Nothing I'll write will ever convey
How much I wish I could've told you
This in the first place
Despite everything I've done wrong since I was seventeen
I hope each day, you've been up there watching
I know if you were here and you could see each one of my flaws
You'd find a way to make sense of them and assure me that no one saw
So these words, they're all I can offer
And they're my last attempt at reaching you
I hope you're in safe hands
And I hope I will be one day, too
I love you