I went out last night And I ordered a glass of vino And I was like, "well done, mature woman" "You ordered a glass of vino" I was with my very good friend Dino Dino is the only name that rhymes with vino We had a drink Then we had another drink And then we had a break Before we had another lots of drinks We thought we'd change it up And do some karaoke singing But when I stood up from my chair I knew I was absolutely smashed I drank too much Then I fell down the stairs And I broke both my shoes Then I pulled the handrail off the wall Then the bouncer came to me And he said, "You have to leave" And I was like "I'm fine" "But thanks for your concern" So I went back up the stairs Well, I fell back down the stairs And then guess what? I fell back down the stairs Then Dino said, "You should go home" And I was like "No, you are" So I put more lipstick on And went back to the bar Where I bought more drinks For all of my friends My friends at the bar I'm giving out drinks like I'm Oprah Then the bouncer came to me And he said, "I'm watching you" And I was like, "I'm watching you too" I was feeling at my best I was dancing like Mic Jagger Had a wee stain on my dress And two glasses of Goldschläger Then the DJ played my song So I climbed up on the bar And I sang my favorite song, it went "Yeah, come on, baby" "Won't you please be..." I drank too much Then I fell off the bar Didn't know I was pregnant Is my favorite TV show, yeah Then the bouncer came to me And he said "I'm kicking you out" And I was like "No!" And he was like "Yes!" And I was like "You've got the wrong man!" I drank too much Now I'm outside the bar But it was my choice Nobody tells me what to do Then I thought "You know what?" "Now's a good time" "To send lots of texts" Shit, where's my phone? Oh, it's in my hand So I text my boss And I said "You're a rubbish boss" yeah But it was predictatext It said "Yeah we bugs baloon" But she knows what I mean Then my tummy did a rumba I got hunger tunnel vision Got my eyes on salty-fries And some greasy deep-fried chicken I had twenty p to my name 'Cause I spent all my cash on booze When I went into the chicken shop They said that twenty p won't do So I flashed my boobs They gave me meal number three Chicken burger, four wings And a leg, large fries and a can of Coke Yes! My body, my choice But as I opened up the door I dropped all my chicken on the floor I'm not proud, but I still ate it I drank too much Then I got in an Uber And the driver yelled at me "Don't be sick in my car" I said "I won't be sick in your" "Uuugh!" I drank too much Then I found my way home But I lost my keys So I had to break into my conservatory This is a public warning For those with conservatories They're easy to break into when you're drunk Nobody's safe I drank too much Fell asleep on the floor Then when I woke up And a woman yelled at me "Get out of my conservatory!" It's not my house This isn't my house Where is my house? Has anybody seen my house? And where is Dino? Where the hell is Dino? Oh, who am I kidding? Dino isn't real Dino isn't real Dino isn't real I made him up so I don't Have to drink on my own So that morning I had to go to work 'Cause that's what mature women do Side note, I found my house keys Inside my broken shoe My boss wanted a word To discuss my drunken text And when I went into her office I blew chunks across her desk Surprise, I was fired Adulting is harder than you think So to commiserate I'm going for another drink With Dino Where I'll drink too much