Now, my old Grandad had a word
He used when things went wrong
To introduce this word to you I put it in a song
So everytime this word gets used his memory lives on
I'm about to tell you what it is so you can sing along
"Fucksticks!"
When Nan wouldn't let him touch her furry pie
"Fucksticks!"
When he got some shrapnel lodged in his Jap's eye
"Fucksticks!"
When a German sniper shot him in the cock
"Fucksticks!"
When he found a lump on his left bollock
"Fucksticks!"
When me Nan died and she left him all alone
"Fucksticks!"
When he let a bogus caller in his home
"Fucksticks!"
When the first black people moved into his street
"Fucksticks!"
When arthritis meant he couldn't beat his meat
"Fucksticks! Mother's cunt, fucksticks!"
So everytime I hear the word
I start to reminisce
I suddenly taste Werthers and get a faint whiff of piss
So when someone annoys me or things get on my pip
I think about the moany, racist old cunt and really let it rip...
"Fucksticks!"
When I miss an open goal in 5-a-side
"Fucksticks!"
When I lost my hard-on's after Nan had died
"Fucksticks!"
When the teacher's told me that I was no good
"Fucksticks!"
When the old bill caught me wanking in the wood
"Fucksticks!"
When I'm having it off and I think of my old man
"Fucksticks!"
When Little Kunt leaves skidmarks down the pan
"Fucksticks!"
When some other fucker pushes in a queue
"Fucksticks!"
When you get caught short and really need a poo
"Fucksticks!"
When I came a-tumbling off my BMX
"Fucksticks!"
When I split my frenulum while having sex
"Fucksticks!"
When some smart-ass gives me my comeuppence
"Fucksticks!"
When it's ages since I've seen a lady's tuppence
"Fucksticks!"
When there's no clean pants so you have to wear your Mum's
"Fucksticks!"
When your bird won't let you fuck her up the bum
"Fucksticks!"
When you feel all queer and you don't know what to say
If you say "Fucksticks!" "Fucksticks!" "Fucksticks!"
It just makes everything OK
"Fucksticks! Mother's cunt, fucksticks!"