Do not merely accept, nor reject what you find or what I say. This frustration leads to attachment to a solution that is transitory. A kind of violence
If you're not careful, the very attachments you try to escape become obsessions. You get obsessed. Somewhere deep in you says that there is some sort of truth or transcendence on the other side. Yet, it's only a rationalization of your fear of what will happen if you aren't obsessed; what you become without that which defines you. You exaggerate and distort the object
Angry, betrayed and hurt. I became the victim
GATEKEEPER
I thought I was asexual
Feelings that I had
Thoughts that made me nauseas
Every single girl that I met
I had to keep it cautious
Wasn't really sure what that meant
But I wasn't honest
I wasn't looking deep enough
So I decided to dive in
Upon further inspection I found
Trauma that was hiding
Suppressed deep for good reason
In my psyche
A video I watched as a boy
That left me speechless
A product of the internet
I watched in horror
First time I felt that nausea
I saw a family get torn apart
How could I watch this
Sat down at dinner afraid to speak
My mind still felt dizzy, weak
Felt it hard to walk, my knees
Would start buckle every time I'd leave
First time I felt it
That nauseas feeling
First time I ever saw sex
As pure evil
But now I struggle with a problem
Because the stories I've been told
I find I'm scared my trauma isn't equal
Compared to other things that
I cannot even imagine
My story isn't anything
It feels like just another thing
I destroyed my own trauma through comparison
In the shadow of someone else's pain
And who's right is it
To gate keep trauma
I feel it, that nauseas feeling
Regardless of the label
I can't compare because it's violence
Imposition under kindness
Foster all the love I can
For myself and victims of silence
I can't compare myself to everybody
For there's too much in me to deal with
I feel with every sense that I can
Find a way to free myself
And take the necessary steps to
To understand love and accept
Everything I've been through so I can
See where you've been to
Without having myself involved
With everything that I have been through
Everything I knew about love
Came from the shows I watched
Songs I heard, shit l learned
From Valentine's Day in at school lunch
Act like this, and she'll do this
She's not real, she's just this
Acquire many women to be above
All of the other kids
Call the women bitches
Because you hear it in the lyrics
Hear it when your spirits low oh yeah
You hate her cuz these feelings
Are not welcome in your psyche
You run away and hide from it
Tell yourself that it's not like me
You ain't fine with it but
Fuck her and fuck them and
I hate you and pretend like
Saying that is better than just
Sitting with a feeling, just don't lie
I mean believe me I got shit to deal with
Memories I wasn't aware exist
Buried below the surface
Trauma and pain no management
People make me anxious
Sex makes me nauseas
Public affection gives me chills
It makes me dizzy, don't wanna watch it
I want to love someone but I think
I want to be loved more
Which means I have some work to do
On loving what I am for
No purpose but existence
I am infinite and pretext
I can pre date all of time and space
When upon myself I fixate
If I am love if I am hate
If I am whole then what intentions?
If I can love another unconditionally
Then damn that is a blessing
Love is compassion, pure action
No reaction but rather grateful
For the me that you see in them and
The me they create in you
Only through unconditional observation, pure consciousness and wholeness can four words transcend their status