We give daps and pounds
And, yeah, I'll buy the next round
But don't you dare try to hug me
Why would another man want to touch me?
Something's not right here
Why would you compliment my hair
Are you sick? Is this a dare
What other explanation is there?
We're men, that's how we're raised
Don't smile, don't give too much praise
Don't cry, don't beg, don't ask, just take
Don't get tired, never take a break
And above all else, show no affection
It just goes without question
Never let down your guard
Just be a man, it's not hard
Hello, dear reader
Allow me to set the scene:
In the back of the van somewhere outside of Birmingham
It's another 90 degree day scorcher
And the AC died days ago
Our fearless protagonist
Sits between Alfred
Doodling yesterday's highlights on their tablet
And Logan, who at present
Is succumbing to the warm air lulling him to sleep
With every passing second
His head droops lower and lower
Until finally it finds itself resting comfortably
On our heroes shoulder
The following is an inner dialogue
Well what do I do now
We better turn the van around
Take me home, this is not allowed
Okay play it cool, play it cool, play it cool
And remember everything you learned back in high school
If a guy is too nice it means he wants to fuck you
Raised southern baptist so that means no man above you
Okay wait what that's ridiculous man
A decade later and you're still letting these kids
Tell you how to be a man?
Get it the fuck together, come up with a game plan
We're still 2 more hours to Birmingham
Just put your arm around him, just be fucking normal
You spent the last 2 weeks together
Why now to be formal?
But what if someone sees? Then it's all over
You'll avoid eye contact for the rest of the tour
You'll never live this down, you'll never live this
If you don't just put your arm around him, you'll regret it now
And forever, why are you like this?
You're not a leader, you're just a letdown
A real man wouldn't panic, you'll never wear the crown
Why can't you do it you coward?
All your life you've wanted close male friends
Why now to be a wallflower
Where's that conviction you like to sing about?
Where's that willpower?
Are you just gonna sit here frozen in fear for 2 hours?
Put your arm around him, just do it just do it
It's now or never, just do it it
Now or never
You got this just unfreeze, get unstuck
But then he woke up