My dear beloved.
I fear love as I fear you.
Through my laughter, I can hide what bothers me.
Not always.
Sometimes I laugh because I laugh.
I cried when you left.
I cried so hard.
I cried 'til no tears were left to cry.
And I hated love.
I felt empty and worn.
Betrayed and used.
I felt abandoned and useless.
All felt useless and unworthy.
It was then, that I closed all doors to my heart.
I closed them and I laughed, but I did not really laugh.
After a while, I started to feel joy again.
I discovered music again and I wrote.
I wrote so much.
And all the while I hoped to never see you again,
Because seeing you meant to feel again your touch.
I will never forget how we sat in perfect
Silence, listening to bad musicians trying to be funny.
And we said nothing, and just held each other.
I shall never forget that.
It was then that I knew that, a part of me belonged to you forever.
And I could not say what part it was.
It wasn't my body, and it was more than my heart.
Some would call it magic, others love.
I don't know how you call it.
I don't know what it was, but I could have sat there forever.
And now, I'm coming back.
Although it was you who left.
But I'm coming.
And I fear love.
I fear love, because more than love, I fear rejection.
I fear rejection and abandonement, and blame, guilt or addiction.
To not be touched.
To not be loved.
That is what I fear.
Yes, I fear to not be loved.
In fact, to fear to not be loved
Belongs to love, because love is so delicate.
It disappears if you do not care for it.
Love is like snow.
It falls only under certain conditions and it
Stays only for a season and then, melts away.
That is what I have experienced with love.
And why with you is it, that I want it to stay forever?
And then it's not winter nor spring,
Is the moment when I touch your hands,
And feel your nearness and your silence.
And within this silence I can hear you, but not in words.
I hear something else.
And it can only be you, because you sound different.
You sound different than the rest.
And I have heard many, but you sound different.
Like the palms of your hands, they felt unique in mine.
As if they belonged to me.
Your head on my breasts, feel like the first touch.
Your lips when they rest on my skin,
They feel like the only lips, I want to have on me everywhere softly.
I want your gentle love.
Yes, I fear brutality and violence
Within this softness because I know it.
I have known it.
And now, I fear love.
Maybe I have always feared it.
But I'm coming my love.
I'm coming.
And I want to be gentle.
And I want your gentle touch.
Please be patient with me.
I have known other than pure love.
I have known other than pure love.
Let us be gentle my love.
And not fear love.
Let us, be us.
Let us be touched by silence.
When we hold each other's hands.
When we hold each other's hands.