The headline of 1980
"Playboy Prince Needs a Lady"
His mother grew quite upset
For he hadn't found her yet
It was fine when you were new
But, good God, you're 32
What's a monarch to do?
There must be someone appropriate, Charles
You'd be surprised how few, Mummy
Ladies here are royal kitsch
Step right up and strike it rich!
By the way, there's just one hitch
It's the worst job
The worst job in England!
We are in crisis!
Our popularity is declining, the public trusts us less and less...
And you're saying that's my fault?
I'm saying your philandering isn't helping matters
You're the heir to the British crown
You were bred to settle down
Our future queen should have no past
Find her, Charles, and find her fast!
The boy just can't decide
I swear to God, I've tried
This is matricide!
Well, there is one possibility
Daughter of a British earl
The youngest Spencer daughter, Lady Diana
Lovely as an English pearl
Seemingly, the perfect girl
For the worst job
The worst job in England!
But didn't you use to court her sister?
Sarah, yes, until she started mouthing off to the press about our relationship
That was stupid of her
But Lady Diana's different
She's very shy, and I'm certain she'll be discreet
But I'm not certain this is what she wants
How could she not? She'll be Britain's heart!
Though, time to time, she'll be torn apart
She'll have a staff all her own
And not another moment alone!
She'll be celebrated, our country's pride
And spend her life objectified
She'll have a place in our history books
And forever, she'll be judged by her looks!
Britain won't be mollified
Till we have a princess bride
A country unified!
A girl like her is hard to find
A princess we could get behind
Then again, keep in mind
It's the worst job
The worst job
A royal couple casts a spell
A royal wedding serves us well
A fairy tale born in hell!
She's the best girl
The best girl
For the worst job
The worst job
It's the worst job
The worst job in England!