It's said every story has a hero,
Or al least one character that's main,
But to call Larry anything less than grotesque
Is borderin' on the insane.
In a tavern booth in the days of my youth,
We sat wastin' away precious time;
And one day what ensued-thought you may think it crude-
Is the plot for this story in rhyme.
See, Larry like to bet, an' he yelled where he set
Ia a voice that was screechy and high,
"Hey, Barkeep, I will bet a ten-dollar bill
I can bit my own right eye."
Now this 'Keep, overgrown, for bein' congenial weren't known,
And his conversation often lacked grace.
And all the hours therein that we'd spent in that den
We never once saw a smile on his face
He glared at our friend with an evil-like grin.
I sure didn't think he would buy it,
But he reached in the till and pulled out a bill,
Said, "I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY IT!"
Well, Larry popped out his glass eye and bit it, not hard,
Then returned the thing to its socket.
Then he picked up his winnin', all the time widley grinnin',
An' stuck it neat in his pocket.
Some cuss words were said, theTender's face it turned red,
'Tweren't hard seein' he wasn't to tickled.
Larry saw the dispise in his bloodshot eyes,
An' grinned that grin he grins when he's pickled."
You'ur a stange sort of bloke, "most folks laugh at that joke,
But you didn't," Larry says with a sigh.
"But, I'm of sportin'men, so I'll bet one more ten
I can bit my own left eye."
" You couldn't be blind, I myself seen you find
Yourway throught table enrout to the john.
You're trying a bluff; think I've not guts enough-
Well, I'm callin' your hand, Kid, you're on!"
Now Larry weren't blind, that ws easy to see,
And that 'Keep thought he'd found his reprieve,
So he flopped down a ten spot and folded his arms,
But Larry had a trick up his sleeve.
See, Larry been kicked in the mouth as a kid
By a hourse he was tryin' to bite,
And what few teeth were left after that episode
Some years later were lost in a fight.
This time he didn't pop out any glass peeper-
Though he acted like he'd give it a try-
But with a toothless grin of a man richer by ten,
He used his false teeth to bite his left eye.
The Bartender blew, cussed Larry clean through,
Said, " TAKE THE MONEY AND GIT OUT OF THIS PLACE,
I'VE BEEN SWINDLED TODAY AND YOU'UV GOT MOST MY PAY,
YOU BEST LEAVE WHILE YOU'VE STILL GOT A FACE."
"I assure you, sir, 'twas all done in jest,
I didn't mean to make ya upset.
But I'll give you a go to win back your dough
If you'd just care to make one more bet.
" Now, If you'll go down far to the end of the bar
An' place there a shot glass upright,
I'll make one more be that you won't regret,
And, most likely, you'll be richer tonight.
" I'll bet the twenty you had, then ten more I'll add, that
I can fill up that shot glass so far
With nothing more than the juice from my lip full of snooze
An' not get one drop on your bar."
Well, the tender knew 'twas at least twenty feet
Along that bar made of inlaid hardwood,
And though he'd known men who were good with their aim,
No one was known to be that good.
So he took up the bet and laid down his dough,
The shot glass was place quick and neat.
Larry stepped up spry, an' let tobacker juice fly-
Not one drop came within seven feet.
Larry was beat... revenge was sweet,
The Keep was laughin', "I knew it, the target was too far.
He walked up with a grin, pocketed his win,
Grabbed a rag an' started cleanin' the bar.
"HEY, WHAT'S WITH THE GRIN? You're now into me ten,"
He said, wipin' the bar all the while.
"Well, I bet my friends where they are, I could spit on your bar,
And you"d wipe it up with a smile!!"